I guess the judges must have thought the same thing because they didn’t choose one. When we returned to the school cafeteria for the annual fall dinner that evening, we saw that all the pumpkins had been awarded the same black and gold ribbon. My son, eagerly searching to see if he’d won, kept asking me, “Which pumpkin won? Where’s the winner?”
What could I say? “Well, it looks like everyone won. Look: you got a ribbon, honey!”
Kids are smart. That didn’t satisfy him. “Yeah, but who won?” he asked. I could sense his disappointment and my own disappointment as well. What’s the point of having a contest if you’re not going to pick a winner?
I understand what the school was trying to do. The judges meant to send the message that all the children had done a great job and deserved to be recognized. I worry that a different message was sent, one that said losing is a hardship that no one should have to go through.
I’ve noticed this trend a lot lately: adults’ refusing to let children fail at something. It’s as if we grown-ups believe that kids are too fragile to handle defeat. Last year I purchased a game for my son and his 4-year-old brother that I’d found in a catalog. It was touted as teaching kids to work together to reach an end goal, with lots of fun problem-solving along the way. “Great!” I thought, and ordered it right away. The game arrived and I played it with my boys. The trouble was that everyone won this game. We all arrived at the end together. This sounds great in theory, but where’s the incentive to keep playing? We played that game twice, and it has sat gathering dust ever since.
Without a potential winner, a game or contest loses its excitement. If there’s nothing to compete for, the drive to do our best is replaced by a “What’s the point?” attitude. Competition is symbiotic with motivation. It’s part of human nature to be competitive; after all, survival of the fittest is the basis of evolution. A competitive spirit is key to our success as adults, so why shouldn’t we foster it in our children?
I’m not suggesting we pit our children against each other in fierce competitions in all aspects of life. We should be wary of overzealous coaches who lose the spirit of good sportsmanship in the heat of the game. But in the right situations, a healthy rivalry can teach our kids a lot about life. While games and contests illustrate the importance of drive and determination, they also teach our children how to lose. And with that comes other invaluable lessons–about learning from mistakes, searching for ways to improve and finding the will to try again.
As a parent I know the easier route is to keep kids from losing at something rather than to face their frustration when it happens. I’m guilty of purposely letting my boys win at Candyland, and when we occasionally have a race to see who can get dressed first, I sometimes declare, “You’re both the winners!” rather than listen to them taunt one another, “Ha ha, you lose. I’m the winner!” But when I do hear those taunts, I try to use them to my advantage. I once said to the loser in a game we were playing, “Well, he may be the winner, but you are a good sport.” This was a new term for my boys at the time, but when I explained what it meant, my “good sport” was very proud of himself. And the next time we played a game, my other son deliberately lost just so he could be a good sport, too.
Kids can endure failure. My son understood that he might not win the pumpkin contest. He would have been fine if he hadn’t gotten a ribbon; he would have tried again next year. The letdown for him was that no winner was chosen at all. I’m certain there were a lot of hopeful entrants who felt unsatisfied when no one walked away with first prize. Too bad my kindergartner wasn’t the judge. The following morning he asked me again, “Mommy, who really won the pumpkin contest?”
“They didn’t pick one winner,” I explained again.
“Well, I think the snowman won,” he said with a nod. And then he was satisfied.
